Tecmo Super Bowl! It is one of the greatest video games of all time, if not the greatest.  Be excited and/or warned that I am going to be talking some Tecmo Super Bowl this month.

Here is a screenshot I earned just this weekend for the first time ever:

SUPER CHAMPION TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

It was an early goal to win the Super Bowl with every team in the game.  I figured this goal to be fantastic, and never something I could or would do, considering how putrid some of the teams are.  Teams like: the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I have won the Super Bowl many times.  Never with a team this bad.  I now have hope I can accomplish my goal.  New England Patriots!  Indianapolis Colts!  Phoenix Cardinals!  Your time is nigh.  (For the record, I still also need to win the Super Bowl with eight other teams, but I think those are just a matter of time and effort.)

One of my favorite things about TSB is that it has forever preserved the 1991 NFL.  The good teams will always be good.  The bad teams will always be bad.  Today, the Patriots and Colts are perpetual powerhouses, top teams year after year.  But TSB has preserved them as punchless, rainbow-pass-throwing, fast-defender-lacking cupcakes.  FOREVER. There’s just enough variation to keep it interesting: sure, the Patriots are bad, but from year to year they might win 8 games or just 1.  But you can always count on a victory when facing them, or a struggle if playing with them.

The downside of this dependability is that it will ALWAYS be hard to win with bad teams.  I can’t build up the Bucs through savvy personnel decisions in the draft and free agency.  No: Vinny Testaverde will always be the quarterback and he will always throw rainbow passes to eager defenders.  The ONLY alternative is backup Jeff Carlson. Jeff Carlson!  I have never heard of Jeff Carlson!  So anyway, I tried a number of times to win a Super Bowl with the wretched Buccaneers, and finally broke through.

Then I went on the internet (motto: We Ruin Your Video Gaming).  Poking around a few retro gaming sites I found all sorts of narratives about people who had undefeated seasons with the Bucs playing only with the backups and without ever calling a running play.  This is how The Internet Ruins Your Video Gaming.  For every game you’ve played and enjoyed, there is someone on the internet that played it to the nubs and wants to ruin it for you.  You beat the game?  Well, I beat the game blindfolded in one-third the time.  You think you’re good at the Ghost House 2 track?  I’ve beaten your time by 148 seconds. As with any other game, everything that can be done in TSB has been done a thousand times much better than you.  I thought I had a good passing season when I threw 51 TDs with Joe Montana.  Then there are dudes out there who threw nothing but bombs with Warren Moon for a whole season and threw 200.

The moral is: never look at the internet.