5. The Enemy Within. This is: the one where a transporter malfunction splits Kirk into Good Kirk and Evil Kirk. Generally it’s a winner but two things in particular about this episode mark Trek’s age. (I mean, there’s a lot about every episode that’s dated, but most of that stuff I’m fine with.) The first and foremost is pacing. Most every episode suffers from slow pacing, at least measured in 2012 TV time, when we simply expect quick pacing and multi-threaded storylines. Trek usually has one storyline and takes its time with it. Not to mention that that shows have a 50-minute running time, and us modern kids are conditioned to like 45 minutes max. I knew I was in trouble with this one when they knew that there was a good an evil Kirk running around at we were only 12 minutes in. “What are they going to DO for the next 38 minutes?” I thought. Turns out, about 20 minutes’ worth of stuff. It’s one thing to be slow, it’s another when it doesn’t even service the story. There was a serious time crisis going down with dudes freezing on a planet’s surface but they kept having measured conversations about how they might resolve it at some point. Sulu was had to be furious if he ever read the ship’s logs later on. Moving on, the second sign of age is something that’s cropped up in a few other episodes, namely “The Deadly Years” (the one where they all get old), the absolute respect of Captain Kirk’s authority. Sure, he’s the Captain and you’re supposed to obey him at all times, even if his motivations don’t immediately make sense. But another thing the modern era has ruined in us kids is such an absolute respect. Way fewer of us ever served in the armed forces, and we’ve all seen way too many movies about corrupt authority or mutinies. It doesn’t make any sense to me that Kirk would remain in charge when he’s clearly enfeebled or split into two separate humans, one of which is evil. But the clear message is that even then, crossing the line of thinking he’s incapable of command is forbidden and rather scandalous. “The Deadly Years” wasted a huge chunk of time holding a hearing about it. They don’t spend that kind of time here, but there are still a lot of wasted words spent trying to get everyone to feel that maybe, you know, it’s OK if Kirk steps down for a little while during the time when his brain doesn’t work. Maybe another sign of age here, though again it’s just sort of the way TV was I guess, is that it’s yet another episode with kinda OK sexual harassment. This is, what, the third episode out of five so far where Yeoman Rand is relentlessly harangued? Evil Kirk is responsible this time around, assaulting her in her own quarters. She fights him off but is obviously rattled by it, of course. Only the show has no idea how to resolve things. Maybe a conversation between Rand and Kirk where she makes it clear it was very upsetting and she knows it wasn’t really Kirk, but all the same, if he could steer clear for a while, that would be polite. No, we don’t get that. Instead we get a weird line from Spock after all is settled: “The imposter had some very interesting qualities, wouldn’t you say, Yeoman?” What? Is this conversation? Is this even legal? Is he suggesting that Kirk’s crazed animal-man side is something girls should dig? That line is baffling. (Memory Alpha has a bit about how the actress who played Rand agrees.) Killer Spock line:”If I seem insensitive to what you’re going through, understand, it’s the way I am.” Overall: obviously some flaws but a solid story that covers a lot of ground. 4 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Shatner Showcase
• Enemy allowed easy access to highly sensitive area of the ship
• Highly experimental plan with low probability of success somehow works anyway

6. Mudd’s Women. Well, that last episode had some sexist overtones, hopefully this next one will have a more progressive attitude…aw, hell. TOS, for all your progressive views on race and multiculturalism and peace, you just really don’t know what to do with yourself in the realm of sexual equality. Sure, women can have real jobs on starships (not captain though!) if they’re into that sort of thing but otherwise they’re pretty cool with being sold as wives to miners on desolate wasteland planets. Somehow this episode has a pretty positive reputation, but I didn’t like it much. There’s one good sci-fi idea of a youth-preserving drug, but the direction they take it is very odd, and mostly I see this one as wasted potential. It should be kind of funny, but it isn’t. It should be kind of character-driven surrounding Mudd and the women, but it isn’t that either. Mudd is memorable but feels like he should be more of a lovable rapscallion (a la Cyrano Jones from “The Trouble With Tribbles”) but instead he’s just kind of a sleazebag. I think this is one that people can remember like The One Where They All Get Old or The One Where They Are 1920s Chicago Gangsters, where the fact that it’s memorable must mean it’s good, but that’s really not the case. I do like one bit of trivia about it–it was one of the very first episodes produced and was under consideration as the “second” pilot. But NBC postponed airing it because they were concerned about its central theme of (per Memory Alpha and Inside Star Trek) “selling women throughout the galaxy” and the guest stars being “an intergalactic pimp” and “three space hookers”. But by the sixth episode I guess that was fine. Killer Spock line: “I’m happy the affair is over. A most annoying emotional episode.” Overall: 2 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Kirk hits it off with alien babe
• “Doctor” McCoy admits he has no idea how Vulcan physiology works
• Lighthearted banter to close episode

7. What are Little Girls Made Of? Watching the third season before this one again gets weird because I’ve seen the main theme presented here before in “Requiem for Methuselah,” only it actually came much later in the series. I thought it was more or less fresh then, and stale now, but I’m backwards. I’m not really worried about spoilers here, so to get it out in the open, there’s a genius whose secret (!!!) is that all his companions are robots he built. Though it is handled differently. In “Methuselah” it’s a big reveal that the cute companion girl is a robot – only after Kirk is in love with her! Oh no! No man should be in love with a machine! Here, we learn what’s up really early on so Kirk can rhapsodize about human superiority over machines, etc., and then he smooches on the robot girl anyway retroactively undercutting every theme and plot point of both episodes. Well anyway, I liked “Methuselah” and I liked this episode. Both are fertile ground for Trek’s overarching theme of humans being totally the best life ever. This one had some extra humor, good pacing, and generally a well-told story, thought it had its wacky moments. For example, of all the sci-fi ways to make android copies of humans, surely having the human lay on a spinning table until the android is generated is the oddest. Maybe, like, angular momentum distills out one’s genetics, if it’s done right, or something. I also liked how the way to distinguish which of the Kirk copies was the real one was for the android girl to offer him a kiss. When turned down, she instantly knows she’s talking to a lifeless android (Real Kirk never turns down a kiss) and vaporizes it. I’ll note there was one major flaw in the whole scheme. Korby loves his whole android-building scheme because he claims you become immortal. Duplication isn’t immortality, guy. That’s great for my duplicate if it lives on forever, but it’s not like that does anything for me. A guy who was clever enough to make clones using a giant merry-go-round never thought of this? Killer Spock line: “Frankly I was rather dismayed by your use of the term ‘half-breed,’ Captain. You must admit it was an unsophisticated expression.” Overall: 4 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Anonymous redshirt killed
• Kirk hits it off with alien babe
• Computers can be buggered by logical traps
• The indomitable human spirit conquers all

8. Miri. I’m not really calling some of the common setups in Trek “tropes.” Even though they probably are. Here we have feral space kids. The last one we had androids. I think they’re more like themes, though. Especially in the sixties, maybe. Everyone was scared about creeping technology and the crazy younger generation. (Not like today! Those fears are totally in the past now!) And AGAIN, a recycled plot from the third season emerges. “Miri” parallels “And the Children Shall Lead.” This time I think the original is much better, as does most of the internet, I think. Though still, the whole idea of crazy space kids is never all that good. At least this time they have a leader in swell character actor Michael J. Pollard, and a pretty well-developed character in Miri. The show is very effective an conveying the crew’s frustration in trying to solve a medical mystery, under deadline, while also having to babysit. It really actually works quite well, and succeeds where ATCSL fails. I can’t find the exact quote or information anymore, but I recall from when I watched ATCSL that third-season producer Fred Freiberger thought his kid episode was good and “Miri” was terrible, and it gave me something to think about as I watched the two seasons. I’ve already ripped on Fred enough in third-season reviews, but man was he wrong, and man did he make some lousy Trek. Killer Spock line: “It could be a beakerful of death.” Overall: 4 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Anonymous redshirt killed No wait! They didn’t die! These were the luckiest redshirts ever, they avoided disease and killer children for weeks
• Badger alien until you get what you want

I last reviewed Trek in the summer and took a long break after season 3 broke my spirits. The third season of Trek is something that people really shouldn’t watch. Normal persons would not like it. Nerdy persons will be disappointed, and will question their faith in things nerdy. I know I did. I watched Friday Night Lights and Star Trek season 3 at the same time and there was no question which I was enjoying more. But we’re back ’round to season one and redemption. My friends, redemption.

1. The Man Trap. I watched a lot of Trek growing up. And in my twenties and thirties I’ve periodically rediscovered the show, getting really excited and watching like four episodes before the feeling wore off and I forgot about it again. But the point is I’ve seen most or all of them by now, only sometimes it’s been a year, or twenty years, since my last viewing of a particular episode. When I was watching “The Man Trap” I had the distinct feeling I’d seen one where an alien looks like different people to different members of the crew. But it was probably, in fact, this episode. Or maybe it wasn’t, because if Trek has no qualms about recycling its plots. Anyway, like a lot of original Trek, it starts out with a really promising premise but just kind of ends up being a lot of running around and time fill. Though a marked improvement from what I’d grown accustomed to with Season 3 is that the characters are still being thoughtfully developed, so there’s some nice time devoted to getting to know them. Though this unfortunately includes a lot of Yeoman Rand, whose lone character trait is that she is supposed to be cute (and has an elaborate hairstyle modeled after a big woven basket). I don’t know how long she’s featured on the show but I know we’ll be glad when she’s gone. Killer Spock line: I have to confess it’s now been a month or so since I watched the show and I didn’t write anything down, so I’ll steal one from Memory Alpha: “Fortunately, my ancestors spawned in another ocean than yours did. My blood cells are quite different.” Overall: a decent episode though clearly a purposefully neutral start to the series. 3 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Anonymous redshirt killed. Actually lots of them. It was a tough episode on the ol’ redshirts.

2. Charlie X. Usually I watch these shows in a basement, where all good Trek watching is done in the world. But this episode was watched on a laptop with headphones. It might have contributed to my enjoyment of it. I remember it being sort of a weird episode, but it’s actually quite good. The ship takes aboard a suspiciously nice teenager named Charlie, and then weird things start going down. Of course Charlie is responsible, and eventually they figure out that he’s pretty much a space god or something and can imagine whatever he wants to happen to make it so. Downside is that means he can just vaporize people who tick him off. The production is really well done here, and quite tense. Kirk knows he has a huge disadvantage and really can’t stop Charlie in any way, except for the simple fact that Charlie respects him as a sort of father figure. So he has a manage a really fine line of being stern and compelling Charlie to not, you know, kill anyone else, but not without getting him all surly and teen-agey. Definitely works better than the show’s other attempts and scary godlike children. Killer Spock line: “Your illogical approach to chess does have its advantages.” Overall: good sci-fi and suspenseful. 4 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Badger alien until you get what you want
• Only Kirk can truly make command decisions
• Invisible Space Powers

3. Where No Man Has Gone Before. A weird one and kind of hard to review. It was the first episode produced after the pilot and there are characters and protocols we see only in this episode, and the pacing is really uneven. Also I watched it months ago at this point and took no notes. I’ll call it 3 out of 5 and move on because I can’t wait to get to the next one.

4. The Naked Time. Actually features no “naked time.” Though it’s not far off: it IS the one with Sulu’s famous crazed shirtless fencing spree around the Enterprise. That’s probably a good metaphor for it, in general. It’s insane and ludicrous but thoroughly entertaining. It’s a classic that shows the blueprint of what TOS would strive for throughout its run. Starting with the standard Trek plot. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: people beam down to a strange planet, and pick up some weird space disease, and pretty soon the whole crew’s got it and everyone acts crazy for a while. It’s even sillier here. Everyone on the planet is dead for unknown reasons and the landing party guy is apparently so unfazed by it that he doesn’t think twice about taking off his glove to scratch his nose and touch stuff around the base before putting it back on. They even make a show of decontaminating him when he gets back, though there is a stab at explanation for why that fails. When things start getting weird Spock theorizes it could be a new form of space madness (and as much as I loved THAT, it STILL wasn’t my favorite of the show) and later spouts another good line about how instruments can only scan for what they are designed to scan for (i.e., no as-yet-undiscovered space madnesses). We then have the standard Trek Act II of Sixties TV-Style Madness as everyone on the ship gets crazy while Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty stay normal and start to grasp the fix they’ve gotten into. Then, the standard Trek Act III of Glory as everything works out against all odds on account of either Kirk’s overwhelming charisma or some longshot science thing. And there’s even a doozy of a bonus here: they accidentally discover time travel!

No, really. All events considered, for all the Federation’s storied successes and history, they’d have to regard the incidents that took place on the Enterprise on Stardates 1704.2-.4 as a shamefully embarrassing example of failure to follow protocol, right up until the crew made one of the most amazing fortuitous discoveries in the history of civilization. Some Admiral somewhere had to have reviewed Kirk’s logs and thought someone was playing a joke on him as he tried to comprehend the chain of events that led to the Enterprise, again, accidentally discovering time travel. Because they do! Let’s review the ridiculous coincidences and breakdowns of Federation protocol:

1. Despite overwhelming evidence of contagious disease, member of landing party removes glove, immediately contracts new form of space madness.
2. Decontamination protocols fail to detect bug, so no one bothers to report crewman’s insane ranting. Majority of crew soon succumbs to disease.
3. One infected crew member infiltrates engineering, and despite being untrained as an engineer and suffering from space madness, manages to lock out all personnel and disable all ship systems.
4. Chief Engineer can only regain access by painstakingly cutting through an extraordinarily delicate circuit system with a phaser.
5. By this time, orbit and planetary conditions have deteriorated to the point that warp drive must be engaged immediately, but the engines require a 30-minute restart time, well past the point when the ship will be destroyed in the planetary atmosphere. Chief Engineer reports that they can attempt an experimental mix of matter and antimatter to cold-start the engines but there is only a 1-in-10,000 chance of success (the other 9,999 times, they can expect to be obliterated).
6. Captain and Engineer need Science Officer’s help finding the right formula, only they can’t immediately locate him. He is eventually found crying to himself in Briefing Room 2, as a result of space madness. Note that the Science Officer is a Vulcan. Science Officer pulls himself together enough in just a few minutes to develop an experimental antimatter formula to cold-start warp engines utilizing an obscure, untested theory of the relationship between antimatter and time.
7. Formula applied and engines engaged, the Enterprise escapes. They realize they are traveling backwards in time, though. Note that time travel has the side effect of producing a somewhat irritating noise.

Based on later Treks, Federation brass evidently decide not to change anything and to continue let crazy stuff go down going forward. We see this throughout the series. Engineering never becomes difficult to access. Diseases will continue to be brought aboard. I guess the goal is scientific discovery, and if that’s what it takes, so be it. Killer Spock line: “Take D’Artagnan here to sickbay.” Overall: Ridiculous Trek at its best. The only answer is 5 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Only Kirk can truly make command decisions
• We make fun of the Irish because we love those drunken rabblerousers
• “Doctor” McCoy admits he has no idea how Vulcan physiology works
• Invisible Space Powers
• Enemy allowed easy access to highly sensitive area of the ship
• Highly experimental plan with low probability of success somehow works anyway