I caught 30 seconds of SportsCenter. One talking head asked the other, “Is it time for patience or panic for Albert Pujols?” As you may know, Pujols is one of the greatest players ever. He changed teams this offseason. Naturally, he’s pressing to do well in his new digs, and as a result he’s in a pretty bad slump. So anyway, this is typical SportsCenter discussion-question phrasing, but I love how utterly stupid it is.

“Yeah, Steve. I think it’s definitely panic time for Albert. Baseball may be a game of hot and cold, but even though he’s one of the greatest hitters ever, as he’s proven over years and years, he’s been cold for almost a whole month now. I say, start pounding that panic button like there’s no tomorrow. In fact, assume there isn’t. It’s definitely time for him to just completely lose his mind.

“Maybe he should try batting left-handed. He could bat from his knees, or sitting down. Or he could jump out of the batter’s box just as the pitcher throws. Maybe it would screw up the timing. I did that once in Little League and it worked. He might want to bribe the umpire–he does make a lot of money these days. He could also try not wearing his shirt when he bats. He’ll feel like he’s getting down to work.

“Another thought I had–I have a few ideas here–is that he could go up to the plate and just start crying. Maybe the pitcher would go easy on him. I think this one has some merit. I assume he’s pretty much crying night and day at this point, drinking heavily, calling ex-girlfriends, asking them if they think he might try a wider stance.

“He might actually want to to just pack it all in, actually. Quit, get divorced, move to Hungary. Or just like, go out into the desert, dig a hole, and live there for a few years. Nothing like some good desert hole time to clear your head or pick up a slow bat.”

“Thanks a lot, Nomar. Next I want to ask you if the Tigers’ recent losing streak should be the reason everyone in the organization begins their path down the long, dark road to suicide.”

I watch the NCAA selection show most years. Somehow it’s fun to see the bracket and matchups revealed, even though it’s always precisely the same:

1. Talking heads bicker over which teams should be #1 seeds.
2. Talking heads bicker over which marginal, impossible-to-quantify teams are most deserving of those last few inclusions. They neglect to consider that these teams usually end up as 12-seeds and lose their first game 66% of the time.
3. Tournament field revealed. Cut to shots of players whooping and hollering as their long season is rewarded with a chance to be on TV. (I actually love this.)
4. Talking heads resume bickering about what a crime it is that such-and-such marginal team was not given one of those 12-seeds. They neglect to consider that the number of marginal teams they feel must be included substantially exceeds the number of available spots. They also neglect to consider that most of the teams they are defending finished like 5th in their conference, so there’s no evidence that they can do well in a national tournament.
5. Talking heads badger the selection committee chair, whose long answers essentially amount to: “Listen guys, someone has to be left out unless we just start the tournament in November and include all 345 Division I basketball teams. Or would you just rip us for not including Division II?”

If I had time and access to a good copyright lawyer I would love to have a video montage of Seth Davis ranting about which teams were snubbed year after year.

CBS then bails for 60 Minutes but ESPN keeps things rolling with more outraged heads. The new set of heads also tries to pick the whole field, something they have never done any better than any random person in your office pool. They also pick favorites almost all the time and forget all about those poor 12 seeds they all argued about in the first place.

Sports!

Baseball

Favorite team growing up: Houston Astros

What?! Why? (a) They had some pitchers that I liked and (b) Tequila Sunrise uniforms

Still like them? No. Why would I?  The only place I’ve been in Houston is the airport.  Plus, yucky NL.

Favorite team now: Detroit Tigers

Why would you do this to yourself? I adopted them while I was in grad school (one year of which was the year they won five of their last six to avoid tying the record for most losses in a season).

Are they good now? Definitively mediocre.  They have some good players but lots of bad ones and albatross contracts they should never have made.  They should be a playoff contender but aren’t terribly scary.

Football

Favorite team growing up: Denver Broncos (uh, obviously)

What?! Why? Grew up in Montana, where Broncos were “local.”  They were my parents’ team, so easy to adopt.

Still like them? Yes! But now I live far away and never get to see them.

Why would you do this to yourself? I’ve been through my whole life with them.  Super Bowl losses and wins.  I can’t just quit them, even if I wanted to.

Are they good now? Oh, goodness, no.  This will be their worst year since 1968.  They have a dearth of elite players, coaching is in transition, and not much immediate hope.  Uh, go team.

College football/basketball

Favorite team growing up: Didn’t care about college sports.

Favorite team now: Montana Grizzlies

Why would you do this to yourself? Went to school there, and they are suitably small and unknown that I can like them and be all snobby and elitist about it.

Are they good now? The football team is a classic big fish in a small pond, being in the ridiculously named Football Championship Subdivision.  They routinely win the conference and compete for the national title at that level.  The basketball team is usually very competitive in their conference and occasionally show up in the NCAAs, but that’s about all one can hope for.

Pro basketball

Ha-ha, no, of course not.