OK, time to wrap this thing up. First off, here are composite ratings for each season for me and Tor.com, who had two reviewers for each episode. They also use a 0-6 scale, where I used 0-5, so I scaled their ratings back to mine. I was going to include the AV Club ratings but they use a completely different grading system like report cards, giving out A, A-, B, etc. Only they never seem to give out anything worse than a B, at least for TOS. Seemed hard to figure out what meant what in comparison, so forget them. How much time am I really willing to put into this? Too much already. Anyway:

(Note: they used a different pair of reviewers in season 3.)

Some takeaways:

• I am the most generous rater, giving higher ratings per season then the Tor reviewers.
• We all agree that the show was best in its first season, OK in its second, and just bad in the third.
• We even all pretty much agree as to the rate at which the series declined:

Josh’s Bottom 6

Here are the episodes I gave either 1 or 0 out of five.

Maybe I was a little hard on “Return of the Archons”. It’s got a decent reputation. I just fell right asleep. And it’s typical of the kind of episode I don’t like, so, too bad, “Return of the Archons.” The other 1s are simply too boring, ridiculous, or irritating.

“Spock’s Brain” is easily the worst episode in the series. But you don’t need me to tell you that, INTERNET. The title was won as soon as Spock began narrating his own brain surgery.

Josh’s Top 17

And the 5 out of 5s:

These are all terrific, but the real top three are “The Trouble With Tribbles”, “Arena”, and “Amok Time”. Most people might swap out “Mirror, Mirror” with “Arena”, but I’m an “Arena” person.

Final Bits

I probably saw TOS for the first time when I was like ten. I watched them on TV and with my Dad here and there growing up. Then once in a while as an adult I’d catch a few and remember how great it was. Well, I think the lesson is, it IS a great show when you don’t watch it too much. When it’s fresh, it seems inconceivably original, fun, and stylish. But for sustained viewing in 2013-ish, frankly, it really doesn’t hold up. There are too many shaky or boring episodes. In some ways I don’t think it’s Trek’s fault, it can never escape its time. And in its time, you could have a boring TV show as long as there was some fightin’. There’s probably a lot of the same on now, only it’d be a lot better paced.

Anyway, overall there’s no real question I’d give TNG the nod as a better show. The characters aren’t as classic, but there aren’t so many throwaway episodes, and it’s generally a much smarter show: better writing, less reliance on tropes and conventions. There are some bad TNG episodes, of course, but nothing like TOS season three’s sustained putridity.

Down the road I’ll watch DS9. K is watching TNG right now and liking it, so I’ll probably save DS9 for us to watch together in a year or two.

The last four! I’ll have one more wrap-up post, then you’re free of Trek.

34. The Apple. If you live in the Trek universe and find yourself on a beautiful garden paradise planet that somehow no one has discovered before–and I may not need to tell you this–but you are in some pretty serious danger. You should also look down. Are you wearing a red shirt? You will be definitely be dead soon. Thank you for your service to the United Federation of Planets! “The Apple” may be exhibit A in the Security Persons United lawsuit against the UFP, if it ever comes to that. Redshirts get darted by poisonous spores, disintegrated by lightning, obliterated by explosive rocks, and attacked by natives. It’s only when Spock gets zapped by lightning (and simply shakes if off, by the way) does Kirk decide to actually bail on the mission, too. Kirk’s varying feelings on redshirt death are a fascinating study. Sometimes he can’t hold back the grief, other times he doesn’t so much as blink. Spock has to console him after one nasty death, but Vulcans aren’t very sympathetic I suppose. Spock offers condolences but looks more like he’s thinking, “What’s the big deal? We’ve got like 200 more on the ship.”

Anyway, “The Apple” as a whole isn’t a terribly remarkable episode. Pretty standard native-encounter stuff covered elsewhere in the series. The people are very peaceful, and quite naive about their circumstances. When Kirk first encounters one he thought was about to attack, he punches the guy in the face, which makes him start to cry. (Kirk then feels bad and says, “I won’t hurt you” [guy I just punched in the face].) Turns out they’re all slaves to Vaal, a giant snake-headed machine. McCoy in particular gets antsy about the whole situation, feeling like the natives are slaves and lack free will, which turns the episode into an interesting Prime Directive discussion. You’re not supposed to mess with native cultures, but maybe this is yet another exception? McCoy is all about violating it, he’s furious that the culture isn’t growing, just tending to some machine. But the debate is solved for them when Vaal immobilizes the ship and they’re forced to take action. Lucky for them, Vaal can only go a few hours without eating so they’re easily able to drain its power. (I have the same weakness, so I will not plan to enslave any civilizations.) Killer Spock line, after some natives wrap festive flowers around his arm and Kirk asks if that does anything for him. “Yes, indeed it does. It makes me uncomfortable.” Overall: some interesting stuff, nothing too outstanding. 3 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Anonymous redshirt killed
• Violation of Prime Directive
• Spock displays Vulcan superpower never really seen again

35. Doomsday Machine. Generally I believe that war movies were better in the past than they are today. I don’t watch a lot of modern movies at all but when I watch anything about war it’s either (a) an action movie, in a war context, so like, just an excuse for Vin Diesel to throw a knife into somebody, or (b) nauseatingly and shamelessly patriotic in tone. The best war movies I can think of off the top of my head are Paths of Glory or Patton. Maybe The Seven Samurai or its American remake, The Magnificent Seven, while not technically war movies, tackle a lot of the same themes. (Note: I have not seen a lot of war movies. Arguments against these choices are likely correct.) Anyway, I’d suggest that movies made a generation ago understand war a lot better, simply because society as a whole understood it better. Most of the cast and crew were probably veterans, in fact, or their fathers or older brothers were. Today there is an utter disconnect between people who make movies and write stories, and actual soldiers, and a thick level of patriotic propaganda between the two. (Most modern military action being political or economical, I suppose.) Or maybe the teenage males that make up the core film audience simply expect movies to not get any emotionally deeper than a fervent afternoon of Cheetos and “Call of Duty.” Anyway, old Trek can slap together some fine military drama when it feels so inclined, and “The Doomsday Machine” is a good example.

Maybe the most surprising takeaway here is how it covers ground that several other episodes do, only it’s way better. Three things:

1. The politics of command. There are a few episodes about this, and they always go way out of their way to worship the absolute power of command. And it’s usually highly ridiculous. I’ve made a point before about how it falls flat today because as a whole, society is much more inclined to question authority. But this time, how the crew reacts when the shellshocked Commodore takes over control of the ship is actually really interesting. Dude IS a higher rank AND fought the bloody thing already. SHOULDN’T he be in charge? Even if he evidently hasn’t shaved, bathed, or slept in like a week?
2. Effects!  Here they serve the story, not the other way around. We’ve had some where I feel like I’m supposed to be so blown away by the effects that I won’t care that the concept is stupid (e.g., “The Tholian Web”). It’s worth mentioning that this might be another one of those where I don’t get the true experience because I watched the remastered version with updated, modern effects. But I don’t know that that matters, because the themes are handled so well.
3. Crazy plans that actually work. It finally made sense to do something insane! Decker goes about it wrong, hurling his stolen shuttlecraft into its core, which is probably like attacking an active volcano by jumping into it with a spear. But the Enterprise’s nutty plan actually makes the most logical sense. I love how Kirk asks Scotty if he can let the impulse engines overload to create the desired effect, and given that the ship has been damaged pretty badly already, he says something like, “Of course I can. I can barely keep them from overloading the way it is.”

Killer Spock line: Two of ’em. “Vulcans never bluff.” Or this exchange: Spock: “Random chance seems to have operated in our favor.” McCoy: “In plain, non-Vulcan English, we’ve been lucky.” Spock: “I believe I said that.” Overall: really successful execution of well-trod ground. 4 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• All security officers are susceptible to simple ruses
• Even in interstellar space, the best way to resolve problems is with your fists
• Enemy allowed easy access to highly sensitive area of the ship
• Recent Earth history will always be relevant

36. Catspaw. I looked up the writer of this episode, Robert Bloch, and found that he’s quite famous. He wrote Psycho and lots of other creepy stuff. He also wrote a couple of other Treks, “What are Little Girls made of?” which is a bit creepy but I liked it, and “Wolf in the Fold” which was creepy and bad. On the whole I’ve done a bad job paying attention to the writers, given that’s what I am actually caring about here. (I should review who wrote the best and worst episodes. Perhaps I’ll do that for my series wrap-up.) Anyway, none of that matters here because this is a bad episode. It’s yet another “crazy planet ruler traps the crew and torments and annoys them until they find a way to escape” episode. Offers refreshments? Check. Blustery yet ineffective? Check. Not actually the one in charge? Check. So while I mostly care about writing with these shows, I suspect the initial scripts always get diluted in production or there wouldn’t be so many with the same formula. Since I didn’t get a ton out of this one, I don’t have a unifying thing to talk about, so, bullets it is:

• I knew going in there was some kind of cat creature in this one, and it was a black cat. We have a black cat, her name is Bea. This has evolved into the nickname of “Beastie.” So all I really wanted out of this episode was for Scotty to see the black cat as refer to it as a beastie, as he seemed likely to do. He did not do this, though, so I will deduct at least one point from my evaluation.
• The first quarter of the episode has Kirk & Co. milling around the planet encountering various manner of haunted house effects. These initially seemed creepy, then became no more scary than an actual neighborhood haunted house, only we aren’t blindly reaching our hands into something icky for effect. The net result is that even the actors are smirking at everything. This…is not effective.
• Mr. LaSalle, some dude we’ve never seen before ever, is running the Enterprise. So he’s like, fifth captain, after Kirk, Spock, Scotty, and Sulu? When the heck to Chekhov or Uhura get a shot? Haha, just kidding, of course. A Russian or a woman. Imagine.
• Apparently they can just manufacture precious gems on the ship. So, in the future, the jewelry industry must be in tatters. Good.
• The mystery element is also a mess in this one. The alien cat leaves the room. Then the woman enters it. COULD SHE BE THE CAT
• She’s also relentlessly fidgeting with the jewel on her necklace, which looks eerily like what the cat was wearing. COULD THAT BE IMPORTANT
• As per standard “we’re trapped on the planet and want to leave” episode, the antagonists have created some kind of forcefield around the Enterprise. There are multiple scenes of Mr. LaSalle and crew attempting to break out of it. Naturally, all of this time amounts to nothing, as the forcefield eventually goes away anyway when the folks on the surface resolve things. Meaning, all of those scenes were wasted time, or simply padding. Do the producers feel that they need to show us that the crew is taking a shot at doing something? That they are not simply huddled together sobbing?
• Ultimately this episode relies a lot on effects, which are terrible. The haunted house effects are silly, and when they get serious with the cat, they don’t have the budget or technology to pull it off. We’re left to see a really big shadow of a housecat, with some kind of menacing growl. Basically, if you are relying on technology instead of a story, you’re going to be in trouble anyway. If you don’t even have the technology, you get Trek Filler.

Killer Spock line, in response to a vision of witches on the planet: “Very bad poetry, Captain.” Overall: 2 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Recent Earth history will always be relevant
• Kirk hits it off with alien babe
• Even in interstellar space, the best way to resolve problems is with your fists

37. I, Mudd. Harry Mudd gets to be the first recurring guest in the show, and why not bring back the sleazy interplanetary pimp? I’m not sure what makes Mudd the choice, but then, I think I dislike the original Mudd episode more than most. This one ups the sleaze (because, that’s what was missing the first time around, I guess) by revisiting him among a planet of robots, one of which is a replication of his terrible wife held in silent stasis. He takes the occasional moment to power her up and let her yell at him merely so he can derive the satisfaction of telling her to shut up and turn her back off. So anyway, as is protocol of all Trek, the antagonist traps Kirk and fellows on the planet’s surface and proceeds to work through the standard checklist: Offers refreshments? Check. Blustery yet ineffective? Check. Not actually the one in charge? Check Wait: here’s a good twist on this type of Trek, which is probably the episode’s saving. Turns out Mudd wants to trap them there so he can leave. Only the androids won’t let him leave either, forcing them all to team up. Probably any story where foes have to team up is a good setup, right? (Well, maybe not the Space Lincoln one.) I guess with Mudd, it sets up a goofy final act of the crew acting as zany as possible to blow all the androids’ minds.

“I, Mudd” is a precursor to Next Generation in a couple of ways. (We’re nowhere near the actual end of the show, but it is for me.) First, there’s a Borg-like aspect to it. The androids live as a big hive mind and can only be defeated by taking out the leader. Not quite like the Borg, and obviously the idea gets fleshed out a lot more in TNG, but the seed is here. More interesting to me was this idea about being offered paradise. Mudd’s planet isn’t a shabby situation at all. It’s a holodeck-like environment, actually. All of their needs and fantasies are attended to. To the point where some of the crew actually don’t really want to leave. Of course, Kirk is always the spoilsport in these situations. Anything where a human can’t be a real human, what with the pain and yearning and filth, is not something he’s going to be down with.

• Androids take over ship’s engineering, and in the end they get control of course, but not as easily as usual. Perhaps a part of space engineer training is a boxing or judo track, because this batch of engineers is feisty and puts up a fight.
• Best scene is the first encounter with Mudd. As he relates the story of how he arrived on this planet, which is essentially a string of lies and boasts, Kirk actively translates to English, e.g., Mudd: “I borrowed a ship–” Kirk: “He stole a ship.” Only really snappy, and it goes on and on. Outstanding.
• The actor who plays Mudd is a giant, seriously. He towers over everyone. His head is like the size of McCoy’s torso.

Killer Spock line: “Nowhere am I so desperately needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.” Overall: better than the last Mudd episode. I can still do without the sexist humor, but there’s a lot else to like here: 4 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Enemy allowed easy access to highly sensitive area of the ship
• They’ve gone to the trouble to develop an override but it doesn’t work
• Even in interstellar space, the best way to resolve problems is with your fists
• Computers can be buggered by logical traps
• The indomitable human spirit conquers all

Just two more sets of episodes and I’m done. Starting season two.

30. Amok Time.  Maybe my favorite all-time episode. Just a great character set for Spock, very ambitious for a single episode, and really what Trek is all about when it’s at its best. With the new season, some new things are introduced. Chekhov, for one. (His principle characteristic being: he’s the Russian Guy.) Nurse Chapel is infatuated with Spock. (Is this actually new? I’m confused on the Chapel-Spock crush timeline at this point.) But mostly, it’s a Vulcan overdose after only hints and bits in season one. Nimoy’s great. I think furiously clenching a knife behind your back is a good stress-reliever. I’m doing it at work all the time now.

Anyway, I’ve seen this particular episode so many times I can’t rightly judge its suspenseful elements anymore. It has a Kirk-alien babe possibility that I think works, but the stakes go up really fast. I can still appreciate how good a sport Kirk is about the whole challenge thing. He’s game to let Spock whale on him some just for appearances. Until he finds out it’s a fight to the death. Then it’s legitimately nerve-wracking, I think. It seems to be a genuine Kobayashi Maru, perhaps made more effective by McCoy not even revealing to Kirk how he was going to get him out of it. Though why he wouldn’t makes no sense. “Thought it’d be fun to let you really think you were going to die, Jim.”

Notes:

• For some reason, this is the episode that I finally noticed that no one has pockets, and they have to awkwardly figure out what to do with their hands all the time.
• One nitpick is that the drama surrounding their need to make an ambassadorial appearance seems pretty tacked on, and ultimately doesn’t even matter. I guess it gives Spock an excuse to do extra weird things like disobey Kirk and not even remember. Or at least, it ups his desperation. But it doesn’t really make sense that Kirk can’t tell Starfleet how important it is to get Spock to Vulcan. Even McCoy agrees his health is in serious danger. Anyway, it’s just sort of a needless diversion.
• The soundtrack takes a big leap forward in this one. Spock’s tension is played out on a single bassline. And of course, this.

Killer Spock line: “The birds and the bees are not Vulcans.” He also compares himself to a salmon. Overall: One of my favorites. 5 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• The Enterprise is the only ship within range
• “Doctor” McCoy admits he has no idea how Vulcan physiology works
• Spock displays Vulcan superpower never really seen again
• Even in interstellar space, the best way to resolve problems is with your fists
• Lighthearted banter to close episode

31. Who Mourns for Adonis? Pretty standard Trek filler for the most part. I think sometimes they just sort of flipped through a history text until they found an interesting era, and shoehorned a Trek into it. So this is just another of so very many episodes where a powerful alien traps them on a planet and barks idle threats until they figure out its weakness and escape. And its culture is basically some historical Earth remnant. Space is dangerous, though oddly familiar, is really the number one theme of Trek. You will get captured by malevolent races that want you to live in comfort on their world, except you have to worship them. The other theme, of course, being occasional sexism. Sheesh, this episode. I really don’t know what it’s trying to do on that front. Scotty is shamelessly drooling all over this week’s pretty girl, Lt. Palamas, and Kirk and McCoy can only look on helplessly and sigh, noting that she’s bound to meet some guy, and get married and leave the service. Because, what else could she do? End up as hopeless spinsters like Uhura? But then there’s another scene where Uhura is fixing some communication circuits and Spock respects her expertise. And Lt. Palamas’ own expertise on history is brought into focus when they meet Apollo. So, the show will make sure to mention these things, but then it can’t get out of its own way, because as soon as Apollo magically replaces her uniform with a pretty pink shimmery thing, she goes all goofy. Though in the end, the old “Crewmember leaves the ship for a new life with the alien of the week” trope didn’t end up happening. So, that’s a plus.

Miscellany:

• They need some chairs or consoles or something in the back of the bridge so that the random dudes standing around back there behind Kirk (usually McCoy) have something to do. I guess they fix this in TNG because Worf indeed has his own console. But no chair. Thanks, Captain. Love standing all day even though I’m a lieutenant.
• Chekhov in a rare moment of not just being the Russian Guy: his bit about providing way too much detail to Kirk. After a major info-dump, he defends himself: “The Captain requires complete information.” McCoy retorts: “Spock’s contaminating this boy, Jim.” Nice.
• Scotty’s “A god is hitting on my girlfriend” face.
• Kirk’s retort to Apollo at one point: “Mankind has no need for gods. We find the one quite adequate.” Holy christian-centrism, guys.
• One of their early plans to defeat Apollo was just to taunt him until he got so angry he’d zap one of them, then the others were supposed to jump him while he was weakened. Lt. Palamas stopped them, which was too bad, because this is officially The Greatest Plan Ever.

Killer Spock line: “Insult’s only effective where emotion is present.” Overall: I like the idea that maybe this guy brought ideas of Greek and Roman gods to Earth, and not the other way around. That’s about it, though. 2 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Recent Earth history will always be relevant. (I guess not really recent, but still…)
• Highly experimental plan with low probability of success somehow works anyway

32. The Changeling. There are certain groundbreaking episodes of Trek that were absorbed into popular culture so thoroughly as to neuter their original impact. This might be the single greatest example. It’s a victim of its own success. A pushy probe gets aboard the ship, called Nomad. You know that’s what it’s called because it announces this information at every opportunity. “I AM NOMAD*.” Nomad proceeds to berate the crew for being imperfect, threatening to exterminate them as biologic infestation. “I AM NOMAD. I AM PERFECT. YOU ARE IN ERROR.” The cultural viewpoint towards killer alien robots bedeviling you with their terrifying logic in 1967 was very different than it is today, of course. For one thing, the crew spends of a bit of time being puzzled about what Nomad actually is. They don’t assume it’s a robot. They assume it’s a tiny ship, with a tiny crew. (Which actually doesn’t make sense either, because how often in Trek do they actually encounter a tiny ship with a tiny crew? Like, never. Nearly all aliens are human sized and shaped.) The whole line of thought seems terribly quaint. Sci-fi robots are absolutely part of popular culture now. I don’t think anyone watching this show for the first time today would think Nomad is anything but a robot. A past-future space crew is astounded that it’s an automaton, and has the wherewithal to take itself around the ship. (Scotty refers to it as a “mechanical beastie.”) Anyway, Nomad is certainly still threatening. It vaporizes a couple of redshirts and generally makes a nuisance of itself until Kirk and Spock figure out how to get rid of it, of course, by confounding it with logical traps. Here’s another point where “The Changeling” loses its impact in the last 45 years. The idea that you can defeat a robot with logical traps is just a thing that we all understand now. It’s part of their mythology. But in the past’s future, this is a thing you have to discover. I feel certain I’ve read some old Asimov stories with this theme, but it’s treated like a fresh idea here. Killer Spock line moment: his thoroughly satisfied expression when Nomad scans him and reports that, unlike all the humans aboard, “THIS UNIT IS DIFFERENT. IT IS WELL-ORDERED.” Overall: Still a great episode, a cornerstone Trek. 5 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Strange probe encountered in space
• Anonymous redshirt killed
• Enemy allowed easy access to highly sensitive area of the ship
• Lighthearted banter to close episode

33. Mirror, Mirror. This is The One With Parallel Evil Enterprise. We’re on quite a classic run at the moment. (Note: it ends next episode.) I think three of the four episodes in this batch are top-ten all-timers. (I will actually compile this list and see if that holds up once I’m done.) Like “The Changeling” I suppose this episode is so famous its surprise elements completely fail to work anymore. It doesn’t really even seem to surprise Kirk all that much to find himself on board an evil version of the ship after a transporter malfunction. He deduces what has happened pretty much immediately. (This, from the same guy that thought Nomad was a very tiny ship.) Perhaps they’ve learned the important lesson from “The Alternative Factor” that radical changes in facial hair indicate something serious is up. Well, what they don’t learn is any lesson about Engineering security. It’s one of the great ironies of this episode that in Evil Universe, the crew goes to great pains to secure and monitor engineering, because it makes their return scheme a whole lot harder. They still get past the initial guard with a comically stupid ruse but have all sorts of trouble avoiding the other security systems on the ship. I could probably dwell on Evil Kirk’s unbelievably fortunate possession of a machine that can kill any enemy at any time, but the episode ends up being more about how ill-fitting the Good crew is on the Evil ship, and I didn’t end up caring about it that much. In the end, they win over Evil Spock, purely out of a logical realization that he’s going to better off with his actual captain, not this milquetoasty version, and order is restored.  Killer Spock line: “They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous. In every way, spending examples of Homo Sapiens. The very flower of humanity. I found it quite refreshing.” Overall: a really fun hour of exploring good and evil and the significance of beards. 5 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Enemy allowed easy access to highly sensitive area of the ship
• In the future, computers are magic, but still make teletype sounds
• Shatner showcase
• Lighthearted banter to close episode

*I had the passing thought that “Nomad” would be a good name for a cat. I mentioned it to K, then immediately retracted it, because I realized it would lead to years of me saying “I AM NOMAD. I AM PERFECT” every time Nomad came in the room, eventually ending our marriage.

26. Errand of Mercy. This is a suspense episode with no suspense, about an important planet that has no apparent actual value, featuring a villain who poses no particular threat. I didn’t get this one at all. Kirk and Spock pose as locals to subvert a Klingon takeover of a peaceful planet. But things just really go nowhere. Like 45 of its 50 minutes are just milling around posturing. There are all manner of idle threats by the sneering, uninteresting villain and some unknown factor that keeps the locals from caring what happens one way or another. Which means, there are no stakes. Then they further subtract suspense by simply not revealing whatever the mysterious unknown is until things have been padded out enough. At which time nothing changes. This is like, the opposite of drama. Killer Spock line: I think there was a good one but I can’t find my note about it, and I’m not going back to watch this again. Overall: Unadulterated Trek filler. Contains less than 10% Trek product. 1 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Spock displays Vulcan superpower never really seen again
• Badger alien until you get what you want
• I’m not going to bother adding a new trope at this point, but I ought to go back and catalog all the times Spock provides ridiculously precise odds for something that could not possibly be predicted with any accuracy.

27. The Alternative Factor. If I had to pinpoint a single fatal flaw in TOS, it’s that they are absolutely willing to sacrifice storytelling for action. If the plot needs something to happen to keep it moving, well then, let’s do that, even if it really makes no sense at all and weakens the overall production. I suspect that, at the time, TV writing was just sort of a “churn it out and let’s get on with things” sort of process (not that it isn’t exactly that quite often today, too; it’s just that for a show like TOS that was so influential, when you really look at it objectively, the writing is regularly pretty bad). Or at least, the real sweat was put into the main characters’ soliloquies, rather than a comprehensible plot. TOS plots aren’t really about ideas so much as action, and an episode that doesn’t really fit the mold will get hammered into it anyway. I think “The Alternative Factor” could’ve been a great TNG episode: there’s certainly some potential in the story, which is brimming with SF ideas. But on TOS’ terms, it gets thoroughly wrecked.

So the setup is that the Enterprise is about to break orbit from a really boring planet when suddenly all their instruments go haywire for no explainable reason. Some bizarre magnetic field disturbance happened all over the galaxy at the same time, per a priority transmission from Starfleet. The only possible clue is the presence of a random crazy guy with a laughably bad beard named Lazarus running around on the planet’s surface. He claims to be fighting something but doesn’t make a heck of a lot of sense. So while they try to figure out his deal and what exactly is going on, naturally they just let him wander around the ship.

This might be the quintessential “enemy allowed easy access to highly sensitive area of the ship” TOS episode. Lazarus isn’t an enemy for certain, but he’s outwardly and obviously a nut. Yet, Kirk apparently sees no reason to restrict his access to highly volatile areas, or even bother to put a redshirt on escort detail. So to the detriment of the viewing experience, in a sequence of actions that simply could not have been more predictable or telegraphed, Lazarus breaks into Engineering (although “breaks into” implies it was difficult–“saunters into”?). The instant he’s shown lounging around in the cafeteria I knew he was going to do something naughty. The second time they have him in custody there’s actual dialogue to resolve that he doesn’t need any guards, for no reason whatsoever, despite his pleading earlier with Kirk about how much he really really wants some dilithium, and that he’s already broken into Engineering once. So of course the second they leave him alone he gets right up, easily sabotages the ship’s electrical system, and goes into Engineering to make off with the Enterprise’s lone power source, which was of course, not guarded or protected in any fashion. Door locks being forgotten technology in the future, one supposes. Contrast this with another episode somewhere along the line where an enemy got into engineering and locked the door so effectively that Scotty had to carve into the wall with a phaser to get access. What the hell, Engineering door.

I hate to dwell on plot holes, but, yeah, that, AND the ridiculous issue with them not being able to tell there were two Lazaruses. The dude has different identifying wounds and a completely different attitude at different times. Not to mention: a different beard! But it’s not until like 40 minutes in that Spock submits the possibility that the two very different appearances and behaviors may mean there are two people. (And then, just to really beat the other plot problem into the ground, do they then rush to capture Lazarus? No, Kirk spends another few minutes speculating on all the trouble that could be caused by not capturing him. Arrgh.)

Now here’s the really crazy thing: I still actually mostly liked this episode. It can’t help but be interesting, and as ridiculous as things are, they move along pretty fast. There’s a lot of crazy dudes in TOS but Lazarus is pretty memorable, even if he behaves pretty much exactly like the evil brothers in Myst. (His begging Kirk to let him have some dilithium is practically the exact same wording as Sirrus haranguing you to find all the red pages.) Two leftover thoughts:

• I like that the effect of a galaxy-wide magnetic field disruption is portrayed as a superimposed picture of a pulsating nebular while the actors flail around.
• Weird future oversight: when people aren’t busy (like when an officer gets left in the cafeteria by herself) they just do nothing. Stare at the wall and zone out. No one anticipated that people of the future would always keep their tricorder or whatever handy for entertainment in even the briefest moments of boredom.

Killer Spock line: “I fail to comprehend your indignation, sir. I’ve simply made the logical deduction that you are a liar.” Overall: Memorable episode weighed down by its inescapable TOS-ness. 3 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Enemy allowed easy access to highly sensitive area of the ship
• Even in interstellar interdimensional space, the best way to resolve problems is with your fists

28. The City on the Edge of Forever. K and I watched Star Trek IV fairly recently. I’ve seen it a billion times but not for several years. Man, it’s awesome. Completely goofy. It’s got an intangible 80s-ness to it now, too, that only makes it better. This movie never ever gets made today. There’s no real villain. Nobody’s all that cool in a conventional movie sense. It openly pushes a politically liberal agenda. The reboot Trek franchise has little in common with its ancestors other than having a bunch of characters with the same names. (This bit on Tor.com gets right at the problems with all the big movie franchises now: everything’s long, dark, gritty, and somehow simultaneously both epic and boring. I hate today’s movies.) Anyway, the seeds of Trek IV are sown in “The City on the Edge of Forever.” Kirk and Spock end up on the streets of 1930s New York, thanks to a time gate, in pursuit of an accidentally drugged and crazed Dr. McCoy who has somehow erased the future through some past actions. They have a few difficulties fitting in, naturally, as they try to figure out what sort of trouble McCoy caused. Kirk falls for a local social worker while Spock builds an incredibly advanced computer interface for his tricorder using only the tools and materials of the time. (Kirk gets some inspired leadership credit, as he motivates Spock to do this largely through taunts.)

The whole thing works terrifically. It’s funny, intriguing, and inspired. The only real problem is that they don’t have time to really flesh out the ideas, leaving the ending feeling very rushed. There’s a lot to cover in the last few minutes but we have to settle for some pained Shatner expressions and even a little 1960s-TV-sanctioned cursing. (“Let’s get the hell out of here,” he says to his waiting crew, rather than explain anything about what’s happened the last few weeks of his life in real time.) It’s too bad, because this episode must have been mind-blowing at the time. I give TOS’s storytelling some amount of objective grief during retrospective viewing 45 years later, but some of these shows were totally groundbreaking. In particular, it would have been interesting to consider the reason Kirk’s new love must die: because if she lives, her influence will lead to widespread pacifism, which it turn will delay the U.S. entrance into WWII, resulting in German victory and ruining the entire future of civilization. That’s quite a clear message for the late 1960s, when Vietnam was ramping up and some folks had the gall to protest U.S. involvement. History obviously shows those were two very different conflicts, but they were just guessing in 1967. Still, it makes a confusing impression. (Apparently that comes from the fact that Harlan Ellison’s script went through a lot of changes in production. Ellison is a notorious jerk but probably had his work distorted in this case.) Killer Spock line: “I am endeavoring to build a pneumonic memory circuit with stone knives and bearskins.” Overall: A classic. 5 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Recent Earth history will always be relevant
• Enemy allowed easy access to highly sensitive area of the ship
• Spock’s suspicious Vulcan nature can be disguised with a good hat
• Kirk hits it off with alien babe

29. Operation: Annihilate! A quintessential “crew battles rubber space creatures” episode. This one somehow manages to be unique, even if it leans on Trek staples like space madness and scientific explanations using exceptionally dubious science. I sort of like the creatures, though. Something about them is charming, even if they are pretty much ridiculous. At one point, when examining one, Sulu says, “It doesn’t even look real!” Heh-heh, it sure doesn’t. It looks like a rubber space pancake or some fake vomit. Nevertheless, we are told they are blossoming throughout the galaxy spreading some sort of new space madness. Frankly, at this point in the series, I’m surprised when there’s an episode where there isn’t a scene with a sweaty guy ranting from a bed in sick bay. Somehow they determine that the individual creatures are like single brain cells, information which Kirk says “answers a lot of questions.” I submit that it actually raises a lot of questions, but OK. Eventually they stumble onto a solution for disposing of them: extremely intense light. Blindingly intense, actually, and before they spend five minutes remembering that light comes in a lot of wavelengths, including non-blinding ones, they go ahead and zap Spock in an effort to rid him of the creatures’ effect. It’s all good, though, because later on Spock recovers, remembering only then that he has an extra eyelid. So yeah, on the surface it’s pretty ridiculous but I couldn’t help but be entertained. I suspect this is an episode that appeals to fans of “Arena” or “The Devil in the Dark” (like myself) who can overlook terrible effects for a memorable hour of TV. If this was the first classic Trek you’d watched, you’d probably laugh off the series, and you wouldn’t necessarily be wrong. Killer Spock line: Didn’t note one. Spock spent a lot of the episode stifling his burgeoning space madness. Overall: I like it for some reason. 4 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Only Kirk can truly make command decisions (I liked in this episode how he spent a lot of time barking semi-unreasonable orders at people, then storming out of the room to avoid any questions)
• “Doctor” McCoy admits he has no idea how Vulcan physiology works
• Spock displays Vulcan superpower never really seen again
• Lighthearted banter to close episode

22. Space Seed. The classic Khan episode more appreciated today as a prequel to Star Trek II. (Though season one pre-dates Chekhov’s arrival on the ship and raises the question of how Khan would recognize him later on.) This one’s puzzling. It’s great but I have trouble with it. Good news first. It’s a well-structured episode and makes for great sci-fi, it’s tense and suspenseful, it has a spectacular guest character and good moments between the regulars. There’s a really interesting introduction to the apparently amok 1990s, which Trek writers predicted to be a time of eugenics and warfare, rather than the time of pogs and big round glasses that would actually come to pass. Shatner and Montalban provide take turns milking their lines, particularly when sharing scenes. The problem is that the whole McGivers-Khan relationship is so weird it’s almost too uncomfortable to watch. She’s a well-educated historian who immediately falls for Khan so thoroughly that she’s willing to betray the Enterprise and give up her entire life. (Not that she’s the first or the last Trek character to do either of those things.) Khan bullies and intimidates her, which she puts up with, introducing a creepy abusive relationship angle. It’s implied that Khan is irresistible, and obviously he’s a bad guy and she’s scared, but it largely comes across as him being the bad boy she can’t help but like. I guess when they got around to STII they made a point to ensure he was really sad about her passing, like they had a good situation after all. But sheesh. Anyway I should probably also pick on the way Khan takes over the ship. McGivers’ betrayal helps but it certainly relies on the Enterprise’s usual lax security: easy access to engineering, sensitive technical documents readily available on the ship’s computer, incompetent security guards. But it’s all set up well, too. Montalban’s performance is awesome, so Khan is very believable as a kind of unstoppable superman. Killer Spock line: “I don’t understand why it always gives you pleasure to see me proven wrong.” Overall: probably a 5 out of 5 except for the creepy stuff, depending on how your reaction to that.

Trek tropes:

• Strange probe encountered in space
• Recent Earth history will always be relevant
• Even in interstellar space, the best way to resolve problems is with your fists
• Enemy allowed easy access to highly sensitive area of the ship
• Guest star abandons life for new existence

23. A Taste of Armageddon. Straightforward Kirk-says-humanity-rules episode. The crew comes in contact with a civilization engaging in an endless war, only it’s not a real man’s war, like Kirk would endorse, what with the trenches and dying in the mud, but something with computers or some crap. The two combatants have agreed that they’ll just simulate the war, and whomever the computer says died has to report to a disintegration chamber. That way, the war doesn’t take the whole culture out with it. I guess it adheres to a sort of bizarre logic. Spock even kind of admires it. But you wonder why the heck they’re bothering to fight. If you respect the other culture that much, why are you fighting? They step over the actual cause and nature of the dispute, and what it’s bothering to accomplish anymore, which is kind of an important detail, you know? Basically the episode is Kirk being pretty angry about the whole idea and working to subvert it. And I guess…we’re not doing the Prime Directive anymore? Later maybe? OK. Killer Spock line/ruse: “Sir, there’s a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.” Overall: 3 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• In the future, computers are magic, but still make teletype sounds
• Spock displays Vulcan superpower never really seen again
• Invisible Space Powers
• Violation of Prime Directive

24. This Side of Paradise. (AKA The one with the spores.) The Enterprise visits a colony planet where they fear everyone will be dead on account of its exposure to deadly space rays. Instead they find a surprisingly functioning colony with perfectly healthy people. Only they are all a little too healthy–no one has even the slightest malady and things like removed appendixes have grown back. Kirk ponders, “How could they be alive?” Sulu chimes in uselessly, “Is it possible that they’re not?” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. The secret is discovered soon enough, as crew members start running into some native spores, which gives them each a case of the sillies. McCoy is particularly affected, as he becomes a gross caricature of a southern doc who wants only to be lazing about under a tree downing mint juleps. But Spock gets the worst of it. He ends up frolicking with the colony’s only woman and hanging upside down from a tree branch, giggling. So everyone under the influence decides the slow farming life is perfection, and they start donning green jumpsuits and skipping out on their Federationly duties. Of course Kirk is the last to succumb to being spored, so he ends up being the one lonely guy back on the ship who just doesn’t feel like partying. He rants that perfection isn’t all that perfect, because what is man good for without challenges, without ambition? This angry resistance turns out to be the seed uh, root? SOURCE of his ability to fight off the spores, as he discovers that strong emotions counteract the effect, because of course they do. He tries to get Spock back first, resulting in a glorious scene of Kirk hurling all manner of insult at Spock for a good cause, until he’s riled up enough to take a swing and Kirk and break the spores’ spell. Then they concoct a plan to bathe the colony is some kind of subspace emotion beam to break everyone else. It works great: everyone gets all mad for a few minutes (Sulu and another guy get into a shovel fight, like, immediately) until their heads clear and everything resolves. All in all, it’s a fun, silly episode, though not terribly new territory for the series. Maybe the most common plot in the show is: everyone gets some kind of space madness for a while, only Kirk and/or Spock can resist because they’re so darn awesome, then they fix things.

A few observations:

• Not a banner episode for female characters. There is evidently only one woman in the entire colony, and even after she’s de-spored she acts basically the same. Which is to say, the spores make you all girly and lovey, so if you’re already a girl, well, it doesn’t really matter if you’ve got spores or not.
• Spock trivia: (1) He reveals he has an unpronounceable other name. (2) The “Vulcanian” Watch continues, as this is still the preferred term for his race. Not sure when they become simply “Vulcans” but I think it’s pretty soon.
• I was sure this would be a “lighthearted banter ending” episode but it ended on a surprisingly morose tone with Spock’s “For the first time, I was happy” line. I don’t think that even makes sense. Usually Spock is deeply embarrassed by emotions. I guess that’s not established yet. Or it’s a “Vulcanian” thing.

Killer Spock line: “Emotions are alien to me. I’m a scientist.” Because…scientists are actually a non-emotive alien species? Better than any line might be his goofy smile when he first encounters Kirk after being spored. Overall: a nice mix of science mystery and silly. 4 out of 5.

Trek tropes:

• Kirk Spock old flame
• Only Kirk can truly make command decisions
• Even in interstellar space, the best way to resolve problems is with your fists
• The indomitable human spirit conquers all

25. The Devil in the Dark. I haven’t been too conscious of each episode’s setting, but it’s hard to ignore the environmental transition this time. After the last nice sunny outside episode, we spend this whole hour in a cave. The dreary atmosphere matches the set. It starts with a security guy taking over his shift, seriously concerned that he won’t even live through it because a “monster” is on the loose. His boss assures him he should be OK, but of course he’s killed before Boss Man even gets out of the cave. The Enterprise arrives to help, and the deaths are gruesome enough by description–guys get “burned to a crisp”–but McCoy piles on the horror by discovering that’s it’s more like they’re hurled into acid and corroded. So yeah, the whole situation is pretty terrifyingly icky, but the setup helps shape what turns out to be an outstanding episode. Regular Trek viewers can probably guess the gist of the plot, as Kirk and Spock eventually corner the creature and gain an understanding of it to resolve the situation. But the execution is the real strength here. Similar to “Arena,” this is an episode I really dig but I wonder if it works for a modern audience. I don’t really care about TOS’s cheesy effects, but to buy into this episode you need to get past the horta’s appearance, because it looks like a gross rubbery blanket spackled with charcoal and frosting. It’s undeniably weird but it actually works, I think. It makes it seem seriously foreign. The latter half of the episode, where they actually communicate with it, becomes interesting for its weirdness, because you really don’t know what to expect. I’m tired of episodes like “The Squire of Gothos” where they’re trying to deal with some spacey nutball of marginal sanity. This is just good sci-fi.

Miscellaneous notes:

• Spock really likes this silicon ball that the head miner is keeping in his office. Of course, part of the reason he’s fascinated with it is because he correctly guesses what it really is, but the guy can’t keep his hands off it.
• Love this incredibly scary scene with Kirk lining up six redshirts to send them into the monster’s cave and telling them that 50 men have died and he doesn’t want any more death. “Don’t die, redshirts! That’s an order!”
• Fantastic conversation between Kirk and Spock to set up their motivations as they venture into the caves. Spock believes the creature is the last of its kind, so he’s itching to capture it rather than kill it, even though he acknowledges that the most logical action is to kill this mind-bogglingly dangerous menace. So Kirk starts trying to give him different jobs to keep him out of the way, but he can’t win a logical argument with Spock, who even goes so far as to cite the (what he claims to be) accurate (and very long) odds of them both being killed at once.
• And as they venture into the deadly caves where 50 men have been burned to crisps, I can’t help but realize that this episode really, really challenges the accepted fiction that it’s necessary for the Captain and First Officer to be on away missions.
• Lately I’ve just been watching the show on Netflix rather than get out the DVDs. It saves a bit of hassle and the picture’s a bit better. But Netflix has the restored versions, in which some of the special effects are updated. They tend to be hands-off with the updates, only tinkering with scenes without actors, such as the scene transitions where it’s just the ship orbiting a planet. They certainly could have gone all-out and changed rubber-suited creatures to CGI or something. I’m sure there was little monetary reason to go to the trouble, but even if it was just an aesthetic decision, it was the right call, to my thinking. But I’m a Muppet Yoda guy, too.
• It’s not really clear why the horta doesn’t immediately kill Kirk when they first encounter each other, but a lot of the believability of the episode hinges on this. Kirk is seriously not alarmed by the thing being ten feet from him even though it has instantly killed every other person it’s come in contact with. The positive way to interpret things is that this particular horta has the same Captain’s intuition that Kirk does, and can sense that working out a resolution is the right thing to do.
• The space miners turn out to be very understanding guys in the end. They are totally fine with letting the horta live in peace when they could easily just kill it. Because let’s face it: at least in modern times, mining and similar industries are not exactly open-minded when it comes to environmental concerns standing in the way of their business. Although certainly the huge profit potential of the horta helping them out sways them. I guess if endangered owls sawed down trees and after nesting in them, the lumber industry would like to partner with them, too.

Killer Spock line: “I have already given Dr. McCoy sufficient cause for amusement. I would prefer to cogitate the possibilities for a time.” Overall: Good suspenseful skiffy episode with some surprisingly advanced ideas, even if they do take a back seat to the suspense and horror bits. 5 out of 5 from me but an open question whether a non-Trek fan would find it interesting or just too weird.

Trek tropes:

• Anonymous redshirt killed
• Lighthearted banter to close episode